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Last First Day

Thoughts

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Last First Day

Caitlin Rance

I started my last first day of college this past Monday. It’s so weird to be typing this let alone saying it out loud. It makes me feel weird and even a little bit scared. It really only feels like just yesterday I graduated high school. I can see it so clearly. I’m sitting in the front seat holding my high school diploma, my moms in the drivers seat. We're getting brunch and then I’m going to a barbecue with friends to celebrate never having to be trapped for 8 hours everyday in a classroom with artifical lighting and monotone voices. Now, I sort-of-kind-of feel like i would do a lot to go back  just for the structure and also the non-existant amount of responsibility I had then. Also just to listen to Pure Heroine (specifically Ribs) for the first time again in my car in the school parking lot.

Right now, in this very moment, I can’t help but feel a little scared. Scared about school work, scared about friendships, scared about work and careers. Scared about LIFE! My mom always told me to lean in. Whether it be something out of your comfort zone, something challenging, or just plain scary—lean in. So that’s what I’m trying to do. Even though I still feel scared.

As my first week of school comes to a close, I can’t decide whether I’m more anxious to just get out of school and start my life, or more anxious to actually have my bubble of safety and ‘student’ title come to an end. Nothing more to fall back on than: Hi, i’m Caitlin. I have no idea what im doing. Although I now have a bachelors degree, please don’t expect much.

Growing up is literally the weirdest thing. No matter what anyone tells you, you’ll never feel prepared for what comes next (which in hindisight i now realize isn’t just associated with growing up, but life in general.)As I was waiting for a class the other day, I made small talk with some people. One of them asked me what I wanted to be, which I found—and still find—hilarious. WHO KNOWS! WHO KNOWS! WHO KNOWS! Yeah, I maybe have some ideas of places I’ll apply to out of school just from skills I've racked up through the past few years, but in the grand scheme of things? I want to be lots of things and also nothing at all. In fact, in a dream world, I live in Hawaii and don’t have a cellphone. I’m surrounded by the ocean and lush greenery. I have a farm, make yummy food, and practice yoga every day. Whatever that is, THAT’S what I want to be. No social media or the nagging of an outside world that wants you to do a million things and also be perfect.

Who would’ve thought that as you get closer to a temporary destination—in my case graduation—you’d become even more confused than when you first started! If anyone is feeling the feels im feeling right now, you’re not alone! It’s okay to feel scared and care a whole lot about what’s coming next, and it’s also okay to not know what you wanna be when you grow up or where you wanna be. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself. We all just have to lean in to the scary and unknown and know that no matter what, we’ll come out on the other side.  

Okay that’s it! I’ve been a little absent on here just becuase of all of those overwhelming thoughts and feelings but Cool Girl is coming back in a few weeks along with other fun content. Feel free to comment or message me suggestions on what you’d like to see, or if you just want to talk!

See you guys soon x