REALITY SUUUUUCKS! Not really, but kind of? As a child you have this whole idea of what the world is like—what'll be like when you're older. My idea of what my life would look like was filled with: a New York City skyline, bright blue skies and creamy sunsets, too many friends to count, and a really really cute boyfriend who was more or less, Chris Pine. With growing up comes less blue skies and creamy sunsets like you had once imagined. Instead, it's filled with acne, weird panic-attacks at 2am on a Wednesday night, and lots of free-falling into points and parts of life that you feel so uncertain of, its almost kind of nauseating. I've had many life crisis', and the only way I've figured them out was through pushing myself so far out of my comfort zone I didn't know what was up and what was down—kind of. Recently, outside of my comfort zone was living in a country for 5 months, and not knowing anyone.
In London, I discovered my love for flat whites, weiner dogs, and tube rides alone listening to podcasts about love stories that seemed too good to be true. I'd often catch myself slowly moving up on an escalator realizing I was alone, on my way to go grocery shopping, in a country I didn't technically live in but did. My favorite podcast was Modern Love—one I can't seem to listen to anywhere except on public transport.
I turned 21 in London. I couldn't stop thinking about how close I was to 30. I then proceeded to have the wine blues and indulge in tacos that made my stomach bloat.
I thought about this, laying in a park full of pollen. Imagine if we could bottle up clouds and keep them in jars to stare at all day? I used to think you could jump out of planes and it would be okay because you'd land on a cloud.
Went to the Royal Wedding and believed, even for a moment, that true love is 1000000% real.
Harry is unlike anything, or anyone else. I've now seen him 2 times and own a poster, 1 short, and a hoodie to prove it. He is truly the sweetest creature.
I found myself in London during a time of excitement—although we can argue any time you find yourself in London, there's excitement. Once I got home though, I fell into a weird lull of self-doubt and creative-blockage that made me overthink and over sleep, and 100% question what I was ever going to do with life, in life, my life.
Summer is almost over and I keep thinking about who I want to be when the clock hits 2am. Laying in my bed with the fan on medium. Head resting against the warm window at 1:33 pm. Walking my dog once I get home. When I brush my teeth, starring at my reflection. Who do I want to be? Do I still have time to finger paint my way through all the things I still want to do? I'm 21 and yet I feel so old already. Last week I noticed someone talking about being 19, and realized that was 2 years ago for me. Is this how life is? Realizing you're older than you thought, and that the time you willed to move faster when you were 15 years-old finally agreed to your request, moving 4x as fast.
I keep catching myself in this never ending free fall of confusion and overall weirdness of time, and life and age.