Hey haven't posted in a hot second. I've been itching to do a longer written post (something I feel like I rarely if ever do and don't really know why?) Lately I've been feeling very (oddly) anxious and I can't pin-point it to anything really distinct. Because of that, I feel like I've gone down this weird spiral of feeling lost and confused about basically everything-love, relationships, life, career, etc. I even checked my horoscope, my moon app—like I seriously have felt like I've been going crazy and I honestly hoped it would be a planetary thing lol.
When I get into these moods of feeling lost and just confused and anxious, I start to question my purpose in the world. Being 20 (almost 21—wtf) I'm at this weird point in my life where I still feel like a teenager but get handed adult responsibilities. It's a very weird mindset to live in. I'm definitely a nostalgic person so when all of this is hitting me and then I start feeling nostalgic I just wanna jump up and down on a bed, blast music and like, cry lol. Idk if any of this is making sense or maybe if anyone resonates with that but that's kind of how I'm feeling.
Last night I was scrolling through my Instagram feed. Even though I've sort of made this New Years promise to spend less time on social media, there was something so nice looking through my feed and seeing where I was at certain points, and how much I've changed over time. I noticed the further I went back the more colorful and 'free,' if you will, everything looked. When we're young, even though insecurities are hitting us left and right, there's this little part of us that is so unapologetic and shines through at certain points and I feel like I really saw that last night. I know this sounds so cringe and idk how to make it not sound cringe but because we live in a world consumed by social media, things like Instagram + YouTube are kind of our scrapbooks in a sense. For me, it felt like flipping through an old diary or something and I caught myself smiling at certain posts because I can remember exactly how I felt or where I was when I snapped the photo. I'm so happy I never deleted things or cared about what I posted. In a sense, maybe past me knew future me would be thankful for that.
Taking myself back in time a little bit and seeing who I was then vs now has made me realize how much I feel like I've restrained myself over time (which is kind of weird because I feel like in some sense I've become more secure with myself?) I want to bring more color and experimentation back into my life because as we get older, everything seems to want to turn so black and white. I hate black and white—in terms of life. I want color, to like, shoot out of my pores and out of my ears and mouth and eyes. I wanna vibrate life and color all around me. And even though I'll probably look and sometimes even feel crazy more than half the time, I'll be unapologetically, myself.
Even though I was probably the most lost and unaware of what life was like a few years back, I expressed these feelings and emotions of confusion through art and photos and music that I still have in boxes and sketchbooks and audio files nestled in my room. I can't wait to sift through everything and find my roots again.
So, I'm not sure how I'm gonna get back to that way of living, but I want to try. If you're feeling anxious, or lost, or confused, or maybe a bit of both, you're not alone!
We'll find our way back.
(P.S. I'm going to Amsterdam tomorrow—perfect timing, I know! So expect some cooler content soon)
Sending Love ❣️
And this podcast!
I've been listening to this playlist